Wawasan 2020

Woke up with this idea yesterday.

& it feels so right

Since leaving to natural causes will take a long time.

My state for the past couple of months(especiallly),
The dream about grandma 2 nights back,
The statement  in the car on the way to Tesco last night,
Just solidifies the 2020 vision.

We’ll see how it goes.
I might change my mind as always.

But my question is why should this idea be wrong,right?
I don’t feel sad over it. Neither am I angry.

And doing this doesn’t cause any harm to anyone else,just unfortunately frowned upon in society. With time,it will fade away to a whisper.

It shouldn’t be wrong if I want this right?

Overload

smoked 2 sticks today.

I won’t lie. It felt good.

The only high of the many lows of today.

Saboteur

A perfectly normal Saturday.

The sit at home,lazy weekend kind

Lounging by the chair, meals shared, family for company with actual conversations
No disputes,no snipes, no tantrums
Nothing short of a perfect day.

The kind of good day,I’ve always WISHED for since forever.

Yet.
Spent
 an hour planning my funeral.
 stealing a couple of moments to take a couple of breathers
 And an entire day waiting for everything to crumble.


Just why are you like this, ranjaniy?

365days

Yesterday wasn’t as gruesome as I thought it would be.

Composure maintained 70% of the time.

This is progress.

Fuck.

LYX saw the cigarettes.

Hopefully he keeps this revelation to himself.

Different

“ You were a very happy person. During Australia trip,you were happy.”

Well CY,  a lot has changed since then.

Zoned out

Apparently, I’ve had moments where I’ve mentally checked out.

I’m sorry.

It’s just that it’s getting a little harder to maintain appearances.

Since my head just hasn’t been right for some time.

And only made worse with the body malfunctioning with it’s aches & etc.

Should sort out the body first, 

I bet you my head’s in trouble all because of the ovaries malfunctioning again.

Compromise

“You seem to have a lot to complain about isn’t it?
Why can’t you just ignore & take it in your stride?”

Double dose

If my head & heart could explode simultaneously,
It would have done it today.

4 days

It’s been 4 days & my finger’s still numb.

I am lying when I say I’m okay.

I am freaking out.

Rotten melon

Mum’s worried that after 1 year of moving in, the prayer melon is rotten.

She thinks it’s a bad omen.

A really bad omen,
Since when the melon in grandma’s house became rotten,
Grandma died.

Told mum not to overthink it,
Not to associate mortality with a vegetable.

But if death must happen in this house,
Let it be mine.
Please.

I’m not doing really well with living anyways.

Not a habit

Barely lit it up.
And my phone pings at 1.05am.
That feeling of being caught in the act outweighed the need for a puff.

Snapped it in half & put it back into the box.
A reminder that
 it’s a choice not a need.


Stop being stupid Ranjaniy.

Bad decisions

Have been knowingly making some these days.

Malfunctioning Saturdays

Last saturday,
An utter mess.
ended up in a 2 hour drive


This Saturday,
7.27am woke up due to a gnawing feeling in my chest
8.57am gnawing feeling is still there

Why the fuck, am I making my life so difficult.

just my luck

To bump into HL when I’m just on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

On 2nd thought, 

getting out of the house was a good idea.

& the accidental encounter was somewhat briefly comforting?

Compared to the response I had at the doorstep.

& here I was contemplating to actually tell amma today,how I’ve been lately.
Stupid me.

It’s okay.
Good things happened today
1. Did 2 weeks worth of laundry & cleaned my room
2. Got out of the house to finally feed myself
3. Comfort: Finished half a book
4. Tear-fest lasted less than 15mins
5. S & CY are coming over next month

Plan:
Must try harder.

Confused

Why is the heart so uneasy; thumping & pumping

While the brain is in a slump; caught in between melancholy & emptiness

Not a temporary state of mind

This isn’t just pms is it?

Apparently feeling sad is a new norm me.

Again

Spent the entire weekend,wishing I didn’t exist.

broken

Broke the key
Broke the screen
Isn’t it bad enough, that I’m broken.

Do I really need to keep breaking the things I touch as well.

Not too shabby

There are a couple of moments in a day,where I feel okay.

Yet,if there’s a chance of immediate death without repercussions,

I’ll take it,in a heartbeat.

Null I am

Running out of space to place my unoccupied hangers and anger.

Mindfuck

Sleep is no longer working as an escapade.

I get up in the mornings more tired than when I went to bed the nights before.

These dreams(nightmares?) are getting out of hand.

History repeats itself

It’s sad that whatever little comfort I manage to find,
They always leave.

Medication for the insane

I wish there was a pill that’ll just vanquish these thoughts in my head and make me normal.

Me too

Vatsy Atthe told me last night that BM grandma told her she won’t be around for long now & wished that when that day comes, it happens in her sleep.

Guess what apachi,
I wish that for myself too,
the sooner, the better.

Nightmare

Hugging the shit out of my bolster and hoping to fall asleep again.
But,
My heart’s thumping so badly in my chest right now
That I’m afraid it might escape my rib cage.

Monday blues indeed

I think I fared pretty good today.

Even with that call in the morning.
Even after seeing the two chairs at the shop.
Even after losing my shit in the shower just now.

Cause even on bad days, there are some silver linings.

Like the cheeky kindergarteners and their cute antics
Like a friend accompanying you for menial tasks and the rant session you had
Like a room full of noisy people that keep your mind occupied with laughter and whatnots till 5
Like coming home and having someone ask you “how was your day? “

Even though I’m going to bed with tears in my eyes as usual.
For a fucking bad day, it was fucking bearable than all the sort-of-bad days lately .

Thank you silver linings.

New year new me

I’ve walked into 2019 even more broken than before

Can I not wake up anymore?
The only thing that’s stopping me,is my ego.
No way in hell am I going to be called pathetic & selfish for taking the easy way out.
It’ll discredit all my efforts up to that point.

Ego.

Sorry

Hate that I whine so much; complain & complain & complain

 But I can’t help it.

Ranjaniy you’re truly a piece of shit. Miserably pathetic.

Tired

WTF happened to time cures everything?


Last I checked,
forever stuck in this endless loop
of constant misery with occasional short breaks in between.

Can the short breaks get long,and misery get shorter?

I’m tired.