When it was just dying down

It just takes that one emo-drunk with multiple questions and revelations to dredge up shitty emotions.

 I was no where near okay last night.

Empty

Never right from the tip of my head to the end of my toes.

Jealous

Can’t believe that I’m this pathetic,jealous of a dead man.

Mind overload

 I’ve just got too much free time to think of nonsense.

Boulders

Can the rain stop pouring?
I need to run to deflate my never ending misery.

Windows up

Colleague E buzzed me regarding 2 people found dead in the car.
They apparently wanted to catch some sleep in the car,so they left the engine running with the windows up.

It was supposed to serve as a warning for me, since I’m notorious for catching some zzz in the car.
But I almost always had my engine off with the windows down.

But now,
This news,
Just makes me want to keep the windows up all.
Shut & sealed.


And they’ll have to chalk it up to accident instead of with intent right?

Sleepless

2.32 a.m. and still awake.

I haven’t got my shit together yet,have I?

Monday blues?

October blues?

September blues?

August blues?

I’m tired.

And we’re back to

rage.


Now I have no idea which I prefer.
Rage or the previous distress?

Either way,both leaves me in a constant state of misery.

Not too shabby

Pre-dawn wake up to start the day.

And lunch made my day.

A few more steps to okay.

Getting there.

very likely miserable

Probably it’s just PMS.

That’s what that’s messing with my brain.

Ridiculous coincidence

How is it yesterday of all days,
Lit Wen’s in town wanting to meet up today.

Was there a distress button I unknowingly pressed?

Can I just drop dead yet?

I’m tired of my existence.

1 more day perhaps?

Time’s up.

But one more day of trial wouldn’t hurt.
If tomorrow is better than today, then I’m not doing that bad after all.

Sleep

There are those once in a blue days,
where you wake up & wish your existence away.

Lately,this has been a daily occurrence.

Promise to self

If this goes on for 7 more days,
I will have to go find some help.

One day/night at a time

Small steps.
Deep breaths.

Yesterday was a good day,
Today was a good day,
Yesterday was easy,
Today it’s heavy BUT a lot easier than Monday, the days before, or even the week before.

Small victories.
Deep breaths.

Deep deep breaths.

Comfort

It’s funny what a shitty movie & a clueless company can do to ease the restlessness.

I may finally get a decent night’s sleep.

Week 5

A lot less frantic
A lot less heartbroken
A lot less angry
A lot less conflicted.

Just a lot more dead inside.

I lied.

It’s not that my mind is always empty.
It’s just that I’ve trained my mind not to think,
To stop and forcefully empty the brain.

I only wished this method worked on my heart.

My chest feels like exploding at the end of the day,
every night.

Cracked shield

When you’re fuming,
and you just lay there,
Eyes awake,
Mind restless,
With everything else breaking apart inside of you.

Lay there.

Cous if you try to move,
you will crumble.

I’m back

Evidently I reappear here whenever I hit rock bottom.

And apparently rock bottom gets deeper each time.