Hi again

2 years since

Still alive 

Made peace with grief

A little less miserable

A lot less rage, a little more empty, with sprinklings of joy

Loved ones became strangers while strangers became loved ones. 

Fallen in love with a rainbow.Unexpectedly & surely. Warmth & comfort in a being unfortunately not mine to hold. 

Working on falling out of love. Still greedily soaking up his presence. A work in progress but a quarter way there & hoping to succeed.

So, that’s 2 years since.

Living is hard.

Wawasan 2020

Woke up with this idea yesterday.

& it feels so right

Since leaving to natural causes will take a long time.

My state for the past couple of months(especiallly),
The dream about grandma 2 nights back,
The statement  in the car on the way to Tesco last night,
Just solidifies the 2020 vision.

We’ll see how it goes.
I might change my mind as always.

But my question is why should this idea be wrong,right?
I don’t feel sad over it. Neither am I angry.

And doing this doesn’t cause any harm to anyone else,just unfortunately frowned upon in society. With time,it will fade away to a whisper.

It shouldn’t be wrong if I want this right?

Overload

smoked 2 sticks today.

I won’t lie. It felt good.

The only high of the many lows of today.

Saboteur

A perfectly normal Saturday.

The sit at home,lazy weekend kind

Lounging by the chair, meals shared, family for company with actual conversations
No disputes,no snipes, no tantrums
Nothing short of a perfect day.

The kind of good day,I’ve always WISHED for since forever.

Yet.
Spent
 an hour planning my funeral.
 stealing a couple of moments to take a couple of breathers
 And an entire day waiting for everything to crumble.


Just why are you like this, ranjaniy?

365days

Yesterday wasn’t as gruesome as I thought it would be.

Composure maintained 70% of the time.

This is progress.

Fuck.

LYX saw the cigarettes.

Hopefully he keeps this revelation to himself.

Different

“ You were a very happy person. During Australia trip,you were happy.”

Well CY,  a lot has changed since then.

Zoned out

Apparently, I’ve had moments where I’ve mentally checked out.

I’m sorry.

It’s just that it’s getting a little harder to maintain appearances.

Since my head just hasn’t been right for some time.

And only made worse with the body malfunctioning with it’s aches & etc.

Should sort out the body first, 

I bet you my head’s in trouble all because of the ovaries malfunctioning again.

Compromise

“You seem to have a lot to complain about isn’t it?
Why can’t you just ignore & take it in your stride?”

Double dose

If my head & heart could explode simultaneously,
It would have done it today.

4 days

It’s been 4 days & my finger’s still numb.

I am lying when I say I’m okay.

I am freaking out.

Rotten melon

Mum’s worried that after 1 year of moving in, the prayer melon is rotten.

She thinks it’s a bad omen.

A really bad omen,
Since when the melon in grandma’s house became rotten,
Grandma died.

Told mum not to overthink it,
Not to associate mortality with a vegetable.

But if death must happen in this house,
Let it be mine.
Please.

I’m not doing really well with living anyways.

Not a habit

Barely lit it up.
And my phone pings at 1.05am.
That feeling of being caught in the act outweighed the need for a puff.

Snapped it in half & put it back into the box.
A reminder that
 it’s a choice not a need.


Stop being stupid Ranjaniy.

Bad decisions

Have been knowingly making some these days.

Malfunctioning Saturdays

Last saturday,
An utter mess.
ended up in a 2 hour drive


This Saturday,
7.27am woke up due to a gnawing feeling in my chest
8.57am gnawing feeling is still there

Why the fuck, am I making my life so difficult.

just my luck

To bump into HL when I’m just on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

On 2nd thought, 

getting out of the house was a good idea.

& the accidental encounter was somewhat briefly comforting?

Compared to the response I had at the doorstep.

& here I was contemplating to actually tell amma today,how I’ve been lately.
Stupid me.

It’s okay.
Good things happened today
1. Did 2 weeks worth of laundry & cleaned my room
2. Got out of the house to finally feed myself
3. Comfort: Finished half a book
4. Tear-fest lasted less than 15mins
5. S & CY are coming over next month

Plan:
Must try harder.

Confused

Why is the heart so uneasy; thumping & pumping

While the brain is in a slump; caught in between melancholy & emptiness

Not a temporary state of mind

This isn’t just pms is it?

Apparently feeling sad is a new norm me.

Again

Spent the entire weekend,wishing I didn’t exist.

broken

Broke the key
Broke the screen
Isn’t it bad enough, that I’m broken.

Do I really need to keep breaking the things I touch as well.